Think back to your first memories. Maybe you can glimpse flickering lights, a mother's face or a favorite pet. We come into our consciousness gradually. Our early memories are fragmented and slowly start to build into our "sense of self". So, what then is the foundation of a Passion?
I do not remember when I was not passionate (obsessed my parents would say) about horses and riding. If I think objectively, I cannot comprehend a time in my youthful life, when I did not think/connive/obsess about owning and riding horses. It was really strange! I was a suburban Detroit kid with middle-class parents of eastern European descent - no connection, absolutely ZERO connection to horses, yet there it was. I loved them. I read books about horses and deformed my Barbies' legs around the barrels of model horses so they could ride and jump. I sketched horses in every pose at every gait.
I worked to raise money. I saved every penny from birthday and Christmas gifts. By the time I was 10 years old I had $750 saved for my horse! A fortune! We moved to a town in Michigan with a house near a pony farm and (!!!) I started riding! My first pony cost $250. The saddle, bridle and other tack and brushes totaled around $200. My mother agreed to pay $35/month for field board, but i had to pay for lessons - about $5/week.
I was there every day. I went in the winter, in the blizzards and in the snow in the rain and in the sun. I remember riding my pony bareback (it was warmer that way) in the blizzard crouched down with my head on the lee side of her neck to block the driving winds. I just wanted to be there, with her, riding. I didn't care.
On sunny days I would gallop as fast as she could go across the fields - I could have broken my neck - I could have broken her neck! But I didn't care. I just wanted to go as fast as we could go. And for a few moments the world was perfect and we were flying across the ground until the field ended and we had to stop.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
What are credentials?
What are credentials?
I HAVE DONE SOMETHING meaningful and important
goddammit MY LIFE MEANS SOMETHING
I HAVE LETTERS AFTER MY NAME!!!!
"Hey you... Yeah you! Listen to me - I know what I'm talking about!"
"Well, you know, I HAVE A DEGREE"
Yours truly,
Dr. Donna, PhD
I HAVE DONE SOMETHING meaningful and important
goddammit MY LIFE MEANS SOMETHING
I HAVE LETTERS AFTER MY NAME!!!!
"Hey you... Yeah you! Listen to me - I know what I'm talking about!"
"Well, you know, I HAVE A DEGREE"
Yours truly,
Dr. Donna, PhD
Sunday, April 17, 2011
sometimes things just change
I think sometimes things go on for years. Days go by, weeks and months and it's all you can do just to get through the minutes. Conversely, you start doing things just to NOT HAVE TO THINK about all that time slipping away... Like drink a few more glasses of wine or watch some addictingly stupid show on TV. Eventually however, something changes. We hear that someone had an epiphany and.. foundgodwentstraightstoppeddrinkinglostweightgotdivorcedjoinedthepeacecorps
How does that really happen?
In reality most people have change forced upon them. A death, an accident or illness, a lost job - a crisis that precipitates a reevaluation and lifestyle modification. This is reactive living.
My dad and I were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital the other day. My mother was having hip replacement surgery. So my dad (who is pretty much the living embodiment of John Wayne crossed with The Marlboro Man and Clint Eastwood) says " I owned a Gran Torino for a while"
Wow... I remember the 442 and the Mustang and the Grand Prix. How did I miss a Gran Torino? (He said "I didn't own it for very long"). Then we spent 20 minutes while we were waiting for the ortho-hip Dr to come talk to us after the surgery comparing how many times we experienced "loss of consciousness" concussions and what were the most painful injuries we had ever received. It was a real bonding experience and I'm not being ironic. Between that conversation and the time a few weeks ago that my dad and I flew back to Michigan on the red-eye for my grandmother's funeral together, I think it is the most time we have talked in 43 years.
What other notable things have happened in the past 6 months?
1. I figured out that the SSRI I have been taking for 6 years was causing serotonin toxicity and I decided to stop taking it
2. The grandmother that raised me when my mother became a divorced single mother died
3. Leaving the SSRI behind allowed me to start a fitness and diet program with 14 lbs lost and 26 more to go
So things have changed. I am thinner and clearheaded for the first time in 6 years since taking the SSRI. I am without my grandmother who was one of the greatest role models in my life... I will remind myself everyday to emulate her way of reserving judgment and retaining a sense of humor about life. I have had 'normal' and 'adult' conversations with my father for the first time in our lives.
These may seem like minor things. But I FEEL like I am both a brand new person and a person returning to a skin I have not had on for some time. It will be interesting, but I feel optimistic for the first time in many many years.
How does that really happen?
In reality most people have change forced upon them. A death, an accident or illness, a lost job - a crisis that precipitates a reevaluation and lifestyle modification. This is reactive living.
My dad and I were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital the other day. My mother was having hip replacement surgery. So my dad (who is pretty much the living embodiment of John Wayne crossed with The Marlboro Man and Clint Eastwood) says " I owned a Gran Torino for a while"
Wow... I remember the 442 and the Mustang and the Grand Prix. How did I miss a Gran Torino? (He said "I didn't own it for very long"). Then we spent 20 minutes while we were waiting for the ortho-hip Dr to come talk to us after the surgery comparing how many times we experienced "loss of consciousness" concussions and what were the most painful injuries we had ever received. It was a real bonding experience and I'm not being ironic. Between that conversation and the time a few weeks ago that my dad and I flew back to Michigan on the red-eye for my grandmother's funeral together, I think it is the most time we have talked in 43 years.
What other notable things have happened in the past 6 months?
1. I figured out that the SSRI I have been taking for 6 years was causing serotonin toxicity and I decided to stop taking it
2. The grandmother that raised me when my mother became a divorced single mother died
3. Leaving the SSRI behind allowed me to start a fitness and diet program with 14 lbs lost and 26 more to go
So things have changed. I am thinner and clearheaded for the first time in 6 years since taking the SSRI. I am without my grandmother who was one of the greatest role models in my life... I will remind myself everyday to emulate her way of reserving judgment and retaining a sense of humor about life. I have had 'normal' and 'adult' conversations with my father for the first time in our lives.
These may seem like minor things. But I FEEL like I am both a brand new person and a person returning to a skin I have not had on for some time. It will be interesting, but I feel optimistic for the first time in many many years.
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